How Are You Today

So I pick up the phone and I hear a foreign accent with the semi-robotic delivery of someone reading from a script. He says “Hello Neville. How are you today?” What’s wrong with that? It’s friendly – we’re immediately on first-name terms. It’s compassionate – he genuinely cares about my health and well-being. So what’s wrong with it? I’ll tell you.

I DON’T KNOW HIM! I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me, so to begin with we are not on first-name terms. I am a different generation to him and I regard his immediate uninvited use of my first name as disrespectful. I’m sorry if that attitude comes across as outmoded but I am representative of a high proportion of the names on his call list.

Far more offensive are the words “how are you today”. He doesn’t know me and he doesn’t care. How I am today is irrelevant to him as he doesn’t know how I was yesterday or last Thursday and he wasn’t there for me during my gall bladder operation in March. He didn’t have to be. HE DOESN'T KNOW ME…..which exposes his enquiry as insultingly insincere. This is what I now do.

I say “thank you for asking” and then launch into a full catalogue of my ailments and their recent progress. He gets to learn of my piles, bunions and varicose veins. We move onto the sporadic migraines, mild nausea and bouts of gout. I reassure him that the flu is looking less likely to be fatal. After a two-minute health report I thank him again for his concern and ask if he would like me to go into greater detail. If he is still on the line and if he picks up at the point where he left off – without reference to my reply, I terminate the call.

Why does he ask the question?...because it is written on the card. Some clever marketing guru decided that this would be an ideal way to ingratiate yourself with the prospective client. Make him feel that you care about him, that his state of health is high on the list of your priorities. He will immediately believe that you are his friend, keeper of his confidences, repository of his undying trust. That established, he will buy from you anything you wish to sell him.

I want to meet that clever marketing guru. I will advance towards him with a caring smile and punch him in the face. When he goes down, I will kick him in the ribs and then stomp on his head. As he is drifting into unconsciousness I will look down at him solicitously and enquire “how are you today?”